Things not to do aboard the Galactica
by albert12
Summary: There are some things one really shouldn't do on a Colonial Battlestar. However, some of the newly-trained crew hasn't figured that out yet... and so the list came into being.


Author's Note: I've been watching the new BSG recently- one of my friends in school got me into watching it- and I was startled to find how few humor fics there were for the Galactica crew. Honestly, the show is so dark; it needs some humor fics to lighten it up!

Also, my complements to whoever catches the reference to the book "God is my Co-Pilot" (It's a non-fiction book about a volunteer fighter group in china doing WWII- well worth reading).

Anyway, I'm posting this to celebrate finishing my finals- I am now a full-fledged Associate in Physics in Electro-Optics!

* * *

Kara Thrace stumbled into the mess hall surprisingly early one morning, probably more hung-over than one who was to be flying a CAP in two hours should be.

She almost didn't notice the new sign hung above the coffee maker. She glanced at it, and then did a double-take. The innocent-looking list in a clipboard was headed with large bold type-

**Things not to do aboard the Galactica**

* * *

**1-Whenever it is necessary to bring your children to work with you, please remember there is a ban on finger-paint in the CIC.**

There were still jokes about Hera's "Cylon sabotage" of the DRADIS console. Everything within the reach of a three-year-old had been re-colored.

* * *

Starbuck added her own rule to the list not two hours later.

**2- Be careful where you leave your ******** lighters!**

Apollo had left his lighter in the seat of his Viper. Starbuck had 'borrowed' his viper- and found the lighter by sitting on the igniter.

* * *

She turned around, saw Lee and half the deck crew giggling, and added the third rule.

**3- Also, the next person who makes a joke about the incident will find the seat of their pants on fire!**

Apparently, Starbuck didn't like people making jokes about her running most of the way across the hangar deck with her pants aflame and Cally chasing her with the fire extinguisher.

* * *

**4- I don't care how bad you hate it, no algae-mush food-fights! **

No-one was sure who had thrown the first bowl, but it ended with most of Galactica's pilots, a passing Cylon, and a few others in the brig.

Laura was just glad presidential privilege excused her from minor brig visits.

* * *

Lee added the fifth rule to the rapidly-growing list.

**5- No, you may not use the vipers to leave sky-writing behind for the Cylons to find.**

It had been Starbuck's idea. Lee had caught wind of it, but he hadn't managed to stop her in time. There was now something truly foul written in smoke off _Galactica's_ port side.

* * *

**6- No ******** drawings, either!**

Tigh was teed off. Apparently, the pilots had found their way around the regulation. After the last CAP, space contained a rather good caricature of a Six being chased by a Battlestar, a large sign proclaiming "No Baseships Beyond This Point", and an arrow saying "We went that way!" and pointing in an arbitrary direction.

* * *

**7- In no case is anyone to tee off the Agathons.**

Lieutenant Samantha "Long Burst" Dumast had, while soundly drunk, said something extremely derogatory about them. To Helo's face.

The unfortunate lieutenant had (after getting out of the brig) been forced to run a CAP with an -_interesting_ life support malfunction.

It had take Tyrol the better part of two hours to find the used diaper.

* * *

**8- Whiteboard markers. Just no, people. **

Someone had used a marker to doodle on several CIC screens. Galtea had become- very startled- when he turned on his telescope screen and a very convincing base star appeared. He refused to admit to the fainting part, though.

* * *

**9- Absolutely no more squirt-gun wars, people!**

It had started innocently enough. It had ended with a thoroughly-drunk Tigh storming the CIC with a super-soaker and soaking everyone there.

* * *

**10- SOMEONE TELL THE CYLONS TO STOP HACKING THE VIPER SIMULATORS!**

Apparently, Baltar had forgotten to remove his Command Navigation Program from the simulators they had transferred over from the Pegasus. It had been funny the first time the Cylons hacked it.

The twentieth time, not so much.

* * *

**11- Very funny. ****Now put it back together.**

This mysterious message had been added to the list in Chief Tyrol's handwriting.

Starbuck hoped it didn't have something to do with the Raptor that had been reduced to all four thousand, five hundred and eighty-six components and left on the hangar floor.

* * *

**12- Medicines are in short supply. I don't care what the Marines did- STOP STEALING THE LAXATIVES! **

Doctor Cottle was obviously ticked off at a few un-named pilots.

* * *

**13- Galactica is not a petting zoo. No Lamas are permitted on-board.**

The message was unmistakably in the elder Adama's handwriting, but no one was sure as to the actual meaning.

* * *

**14- In no case is anyone to be superglued to the briefing room ceiling.**

Lieutenant Samantha "Long Burst" Dumast had apparently ticked off some inebriated marines.

* * *

**15- The finger-paint ban applies to the Hangar deck as well.**

Athena wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. After all, she had complained about her Raptor needing repainted.

* * *

Author's Note: Well? What do you think? Horrible? Wonderful? Review and let me know!


End file.
